Why do you Hate ME?

   I have a home, a family that is still together and I've finally graduated from College... then why does it feel like I still can't get something from my mother. I've proved everything, or tried to prove anything to her, and I get nothing but shit. I try to make her happy and get nothing in return. I get a hey good job "BUT" there is always that but. I can't do everything in the FUCKING WORLD. My life is to short to even try.
  I'm never going to be the President of the United States. I'm not going to be the next Masiha. NO!!! I'm going to be in the Fucking NAVY. If that doesn't please you then I don't know what will. Mom, I love you, I do. I've appreciates everything you have done for me. Never once have I asked for anything that large other then My college education. I can't give back the 4 and a half years of going to college, but I can give you a Navy Officer and something to be proud of me for. Then maybe I can be looked at like I accomplished something In my life. I was told today that I have nothing positive in my life. That I don't strive for anything. Nothing, nothing in my life pleases you anymore. Should I have left when I was 18? Going to strive for something that I could not achieve if I did leave? I might not have been the best thing you thought I would be. But I did try to make it in your life that would show me that I made something of myself. Nope I have to go away, get away from you, get away from all the downing that I get. From all the hates that are thrown my way. I can't get over how much you try to depress everyone around you and not try to tell people what is hurting you. You think no one appreciates you. No one cares about you. Well you're wrong. I care, I care for you, I care about you, I will always care about you.
   You can't help everyone. You can't be everyone's protector. This is what is killing you. This is what's hurting you. Everyone will hurt you if you keep doing what you what you do. I can't help you everything, but it can't and That's that. Stop beating me up, stop beating yourself up.

The Appending drink offs

Disclaimer: The names are going to be redacted for purposes of respect.
BAR CRAWL: part 1.

So this weekend the whole photography class, the ones that can drink, are going to do a bar crawl. Yes, we are going to dawn in our little shirt that say "SO IN SO CLASS OF PHOTOGRAPHY" or some pun like "I WAS TOLD TO AGITATE MY FILM, SO I CALLED IT A POLAROID". (If you don't get this, I'm sorry but you suck). But this is something that we want to do. We became close friends, and even this is not going to be a big bar crawl like ones that people do for their colleges. This is going to be big for us. This is were this comes in.

Now in the group we have some pretty competitive people. I know they probably won't admit it, but it's true. Me being one of those people, drink offs will most likely occur. In the group we have a new drinker. (A second blog will be posted after this bar crawl so her name will be now and then; Tinydrinker)... this being said, the rest of us has no reason not to get her drunk. Stick with us, and you will be plastered.

How this bar crawl starts is something like this. One of our very loud students, very bubbly, and very funny; Kungfu

Kungfu:WE SHOULD DO A BAR CRAWL

Seeing where this is going, one night to drink for a reason means I will be there

Eric: That's a freaken great IDEA!
TD: I've never been on a bar crawl
Eric: It's easy, you drink....

At this point in time the whole class is now in on what Tinydancer has just said. But give some credit, she is new to the game, so this should be fun. Now everyone knows that because it is going to be her first time, I feel that swimmies should be provided. Bar Crawl swimmies. This let's everyone know that she is in fact new to the scene of bar crawl... don't know how this will go though. I have my doubts. Doubts in her ability to drink, but no doubts about fun.

All in all, I'm going to competing with someone. It takes two to tango, two beers in one hand and two shots in another. Got to love Bar Crawls!

Dont Care, But Daddy Hates You

So tonight was the fun... I had a few drinks, more like 6 beers, more like 12 cause they were pint drinks, and a shot. I fell in love with the bar tender, she was a she, cool as shit!!! anyway, I got her a shot and she bought me a drink. All in all, I get somewhat warm, meaning at this time, I feel like I can somewhat rule the world.

Let me paint a picture for you. I am sitting outside with two of my friends (Let's call them Jstar, and Sam). I've known Jstar for about a year and a half now, and I've come to the realization that she is like me... meaning in we have sex, the world will stop. But, she's my friend and I stopped thinking about plowing her into the half a year of knowing her. Now she's my worst friend to hang with, her and I know what the fuck we are talking about when we don't even have to talk about. Sam, I just met about three months ago, and he looks like he should have an ax in one, and a big blue ox next to him.

How this title came to be, outside, we are chilling. I have to be honest, it is fucking cold I think I can be cool by not bringing in my jacket. I'm cold as shit, but then... I hear... Skanks. Yes, skanks, and Sam conforms this, with Jstars hatred of the ever growing party of legs and skimpy dresses. I did not think this could be at Mojos on Main. The Goth Place of Newark, but it is. There, a, I'm guessing 21st birthday party. Daddy's little girl will buy all the drinks that the card can afford.

Daddy;s little "girls" will do anything to get the attention that she wishes. They will do anything to get the attention. But instead I fall in love with the bar tender, which is awesome because not only do I get to do shots with her, she buys me a beer. Yes I am that cool. NOT really but being me, it feels pretty good to have a hot bar tender buy me a beer. Now Daddy issues is hot

Eric "Did I say happy Birthday?"
Daddyissues "NO! Thank you"
Eric "Buy you a shot?"
Daddyissues "SURE!"
Eric "Will this get me closer to fuck you?"
Daddyissues "WHAT?"
Eric "Moving On!"

I went back to Molly and say, Please drink with me, where she proceeded to do so.

All in all, Daddyissues will never be fucked by me. I've had to many "I hate my parents so I'm going to introduce you to them" type relationships, (tell me how that works out). I know this is kinda of a lame post but I still think it's kinda funny when the chicks who walk into a bar looking like they want to be fucked, turn out to be major posers and the ones behind the bar will love you till the end of time. I know that bar tenders will be your best friends, but I know that if Molly drank with me, she would love me!

God Hates Me

      I've come to the realization that, God, The Almighty, hates me. I had high hopes of maybe seeing the pearly white gates of Heaven before get kicked to hell and play blackjack with Hitler and Stanlin, but turns out, it doesn't see that way. I've came to this because of the hell weeks, yes plural. My hours were cut at work. I have a hard time even trying to get a date, and I'm once again alone while all my friends are in relationships.
     He literally laughs at me when I try to talk up a chick. Also the horrid dream that I cannot remember to save my life the night after I felt like shit the whole day really made me think that I stand no chance of getting to see those gates, or get to plead my case before the gate keeper.
    For the chick and no relationship thing, I know he is punishing me for not being nice to girls. For having the smallest attention span when it comes to relationships. Feeling like I'm the better one and that they all should bow to me. I don't know how I'm going to get back into the good graces of chicks unless I have a relationship with a sea-cow; no matter how desperate I am, I still have standards, and having sex with a 200something woman does not constitute better relationship statues. I even think God can give me a pass on that.
    For work, well it's work, what else can I say?
    For my friends, I am happy for them, but I hate being that dude that goes out, being the third wheel and all. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, I just feel like I'm in the way if I go out with them. Feel like I'm holding them back from doing what they want because I don't have a girlfriend, or even in a relationship to know how they feel. I'm so alone, and sometimes I like it. Other times, not so much.
   So God, if you read blogs. I promise I will be a better man, person, being, towards the next relationship I have, get, whatever. I love my friends, please let them know that, because for some reason I think they are starting to think that I don't care for them. Finally, let something fall in my lap work wise, this job is not working out, and if read the post on the job, you would understand. Sometimes I wish I could just fade away, like no one really knew me.
 A side note, please help my family come back together as a group, not where we all hate each other and want to rip hearts out like the dude did in Indian Jones. Don't think I have neglected you for so long, I just hadn't anything to prey for, I do now, and I hope you read blogs. 

Why Blog?

Some one asked me that the other day. I simply said that it's a great way to put down what you're thinking. It's a great place to just vent your anger with out beating the shit out of some one. For me it's a hiding place. I can come here and vent with out really no one knowing how I feel. I can just simply type what I feel and how I feel about certain things. It's fun...

I Broke, I Caved

I showed something that I do not show often, my emotions. I hate that, I hate that I was so weak that I could not hold it in. She asked and I caved. Why, I don't know why. I felt better but I hated letting lose, hated making someone hear my shit. I write all this shit about how no one wants to listen, no one is there to hear me. I've never had someone there to listen, so I've learned to bottle it up. Become someone that shows little emotion, and feels really nothing. It's kinda sad how I've come to this. Being the only child has its ups and downs. No brothers or sisters makes it hard to talk to someone about the shit that parents just won't understand. On the flip side, no brothers and sisters means I have more time to spend with the parents.
I've come to a conclusion that I'd never be able to share something unless it takes hold of me. I wanted to drop it, but she was asked, and asked, and finally broke, and hated every minute of it. Why I hated it because I didn't want her to know what makes me hate myself sometimes. But I'm glad she asked, even though I hated telling her.

To Fit, Or Not To Fit, That Is the Question?

So over the course of a few weeks, I've been TALKING to someone. I've found that even men get overwhelmed with the constant nagging of someone who potentially does not fit. When I say FIT, I mean you have to FIT me. I leap before looking and I want someone to join me, not sit on the sidelines and go "Yeah, babe, that was cool"... no, I want you to take my hand and jump. Not off a bridge, or in a pit of fire, but do something you've never done, or tasted, or seen before. I love different things, and I want someone who loves different things as well.
I'm never going to find someone that will love the same shit I will, but never say never. I love to try new things. If you say it's good, I'll try it, I may not like it, but I tried it. You don't fit because you don't fit. I don't know how else to say it. I live in the past, present, and future. I live in the moment of LIFE, in the moment when something interesting is happening, I want to be there. I want you to experience it too. I want to take you by your hand and say "COME ON, LET'S TRY IT..." it maybe scary, but guess what, I'm right there with you. Every step of that new glorious thing I like to call, EXCITEMENT. If you don't like, at least you  now have a reason not too.. :)
There comes a time when you have to adapt with your surroundings, to compromise when a compromise can be given. But to say that you won't flat out do it when YOU'VE NEVER TRIED, is not a compromise. Even to a person you're interested in. It's not fair to them. You won't FIT because you just WON'T FIT. I hate to say that, but baby, I love excitement.
Sure you love sports, camping, and other things, I like them too. But I find that not only will you not FIT me, you won't FIT my friends. I know, I know, me dating a girl solely on how my companions feel is childish. But you have to find someone who loves what you and the companions do together. I don't want a girl who I'll have to leave home because I go somewhere she's never been, but says I DON'T LIKE IT. For that statement, let me be clear. If I decide to go cave diving, and she say's I'M AFRAID OF SMALL SPACES, I'll understand. But if I go cave diving and she say's, I DON'T LIKE CAVE DIVING. HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN? NO... THEN HOW THE HELL DO YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT? Try baby, try it. If you get into the mouth of that cave and say FUCK NO, IT'S TO DARK AND SMALL... I'll say OKAY, BUT GUESS WHAT, YOU CAN NOW SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT BECAUSE IT SCARES THE BE-JESUS OUT OF YOU.
That's all I ask for. That's all anyone asks for. The sports package, and camping gear is a plus, but please, please, don't say you don't like something if you've never tried it... Just try it, don't say no, because one day, trying new things won't be an option in life anymore.